Been forever yeah?
I mean since I wrote anything. The hilarious pictures are really just a smoke screen; for that has been my lodging this past week. I’m a mess, worse than I’ve ever been. I go about carrying a heart load heavier than normal and my thoughts and worries are having a wonderful time weighing me down.
Sometimes (most of the times these days), I feel like I’m destined to carry a cross all my life, funny how this cross is heart shaped but broken into multiple fragments. That’s my cross.
I’ve tried to practice this thing you guys call love and I’ve failed because I’m shit at it. No, it’s not that I can’t love, It’s just that I seem to repel the other enough for them to hate me or some shit.
Two years, that’s what it is…or what it was. Nah, not two years of dating. Two years of the most open, trustworthy friendship I’ve ever had and now all that it is is a memory. one that fragments another piece of my cross when I remember it.
I don’t even blame anyone, meh. I now myself too much to know that this is all on me. whether the reality is true or false, somehow, it’s all on me. Like I said, it’s just me to fuck shit up. You know how sometimes the calm gets to you and you just stir up the water for some equilibrium reason? Well, you may not be about that life but I am.
I’m basically done with this love shit. I’ve tried from the sincerest parts of me but I ended up here both times, deeper in these trenches than the last time. I can’t anymore. I don’t deserve to. I cut myself more as I try to gather what’s left of my cross and no matter how many gloves i wear to protect myself, I still find a shard that pierces through.
It’s been real.